FROM THE DAWGHOUSE…
The Verse We Always Get Wrong
This morning at Forge, we were in Ephesians 5:22–33. You know the passage. “Wives, submit to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.”
That verse usually gets a reaction. And, if we’re being honest, the reaction often comes from the wives. After Pastor Pete finished his message, we sat around our table and talked about it. I asked each of the men – everyone married – whether this passage had ever come up with their wives. Some said no. Some said yes. A couple said it had come up a lot.
What struck me, though, was where the conversation went. Almost everything centered on the practical realities of being married: husbands, wives, communication, disagreements, expectations, who does what, and how we live together.
And that’s not bad. Those are real issues.
But I kept thinking: Where is Jesus?
We never really got there.
And then, just as I was about to jump in, time ran out. One of the guys looked at me and said, “Dang, we didn’t get to hear what you had to say, Joe.” Then he paused, and added, “But hey, you can just write about it.”
So here I am…
Because I think we sometimes get Ephesians 5 backward. We see the word submit and immediately make the passage about what our wives are supposed to do. We turn it into a discussion about marriage, culture, roles and expectations. But Paul doesn’t start there. He starts with Jesus.
The whole passage is framed around Christ and His relationship with His church. And when Paul finally turns to husbands, his command isn’t, “Make sure your wife submits.” It is: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
That’s a pretty high bar.
Jesus didn’t use His position to demand something from His church. He gave Himself for His church. He sacrificed. He served. He pursued holiness. He loved when it cost Him something.
And Paul says, Husbands, that’s your model.
This is why I believe we miss something important when we reduce Ephesians 5 to a cultural argument about marriage. The biblical pattern isn’t merely cultural. It reaches back to God’s design for men and women – to a creational order that existed before our modern debates about marriage ever began.
But here’s the part that should get our attention as men: Headship begins with submission. Not submission to our wives. Submission to Christ. Before I worry about whether my wife is fulfilling her role, I need to ask whether I am fulfilling mine. Am I submitted to Jesus?
Does Christ actually lead me?
Does His Word shape the way I speak to my wife?
Does His holiness shape the way I live in my home?
Am I willing to sacrifice my preferences, my pride, my comfort and even my rights for the good of my wife and family? Because when a man is genuinely following Jesus, headship looks very different from the caricature we often see.
It doesn’t look like “I’m the boss.”
It looks like “How can I serve?”
It doesn’t look like demanding respect.
It looks like becoming a man worthy of respect.
It doesn’t begin with telling my wife what she should do.
It begins with asking Jesus what I should do.
Maybe that’s why this passage is so uncomfortable. We want to talk about the wife’s submission. Paul spends a whole lot more time telling the husband how to love. And perhaps that’s exactly where we men at Forge need to start…
Not with our wives.
With Jesus.
– Joe Bouch
