FROM THE DAWGHOUSE…
WHAT TO MAKE OF MARITAL DISHARMONY
Task oriented people like me sometimes don’t stop to figure things out when we’re doing our DAWG. You know, “I gotta check the list! Read some Scripture and try to listen to the Lord before I start my day. Get on with it!”
DAWG list checking I suppose you can call it. Read the words without much comprehension.
But today in Proverbs 21 Holy Spirit stopped me on verses I’ve often read but never did much thinking about. Today was the day:
Proverbs 21:9
9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 21:19
19 It is better to live in a desert land
than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Well those verses don’t stand alone in Proverbs…yup, there are more!
Proverbs 19:13-14
13 A foolish son is ruin to his father,
and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.
14 House and wealth are inherited from fathers,
but a prudent wife is from the Lord.
Proverbs 25:24
24 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 27:15-16
15 A continual dripping on a rainy day
and a quarrelsome wife are alike;
16 to restrain her is to restrain the wind
or to grasp oil in one’s right hand.
It occurred to me today that I really had no idea what role these verses were to play in developing me as a man. Why did the Father put them in Proverbs? They describe real life, ya for sure, but what am I supposed to do with them?
I turned to an old guy, Charles Bridges, who wrote a commentary on Proverbs in 1846. After meditating on the verses and what Pastor Bridges wrote, here are my conclusions on how these verses should speak to me…and us:
- There are many miseries that we face in life and the most difficult to bear have to do with our closest relationships: when our children go astray and don’t grow up and succeed but seem to destroy all their potential, and themselves. And when we experience marital disharmony and the joy is gone from our marriage.
- As Rev. Bridges pointed out, if your son (or a child) continually seeks to drag you down and make no progress after you have helped and helped and encouraged and done everything you know how to do to help…. you can eventually extricate yourself from their demands (it WILL take tough love). This is precisely what you can’t do when it comes to your marriage. (Malachi 3, Matthew 19)
- In evaluating a man’s experience of marital disharmony due to wifely discontent there are a series of questions we can ask ourselves to process the condition we find ourselves in of living with an unhappy wife…
Do I have responsibility for creating this kind of wife by my not being a self-less and loving husband who loves his wife like Christ loved the Church? (Ephesians 5:22-33). Where am I responsible for our domestic untranquility? Is God disciplining me through my wife’s discontent for my not listening to her, for my selfishness?
It’s always good for a man as leader to take responsibility for his actions first.
Initiate a conversation. Listen. Repent. Pray together. Ask your Fire Team to pray for you. Seek to grow and improve to by grace love better. See if your sanctification and growth in Christ-likeness can usher your wife into greater joy in a broken world. See if the Holy Spirit can bring growth in you even if it does not bring forgiveness and growth in your wife.
- Perhaps, after some digging and talking and praying you discover that this isn’t primarily your doing that is bringing on the disharmony in marriage resulting in your wife’s regular complaining. Perhaps it’s her temperamental tendency to complain, or something she grew up with and adopted as a lifestyle, or is an area where she has not grown spiritually yet to overcome.
Model being positive. Model trusting in God for circumstances and catch yourself before you launch into a complaining tirade! Pray for her for growth in this area:
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
I Thessalonians 5:16-18
Perhaps for a time this is your “thorn in the flesh” that you will have to endure which will cause you to have to lean on Jesus for grace and power! (2 Corinthians 12:7). Take this seriously and learn to gain power from The Source! It is more important for you to grow spiritually than for you to be happy.
It could be that God is humbling you through this challenge and that you will have to “bear meekly, to the honor of God, extracting a solid blessing out of a heavy trial”, as Bridges suggests.
Ultimately, Bridges said a whole lot more to me than I thought he would. My takeaway is something like this:
“Pray for your wife and what a great answer to prayer it will be if over time she stops complaining! And imagine what a joy you will feel if you are not or no longer the source of irritation to her. This will prove that you are growing into a great man as God defines greatness! Ultimately you need to grasp that to find your comfort in what people think of you is a dead-end street. Don’t rest your hope and joy and identity on those key relationships in your life which in a perfect world would always bring joy, but in a broken world, often don’t! Your rest and peace is heavenly and eternal and dependent on your identity in Jesus. Your Father is jealous that you don’t find more rest in your wife or kids than in Him. As you start your day, remember Who defines you. Jesus does, not your kids, or your wife. Never let anyone define you more than Jesus.”
Let’s all take it to heart!
Pete Alwinson
